Susan Harrison, my mother in law, died several months ago after a long and
courageous battle with cancer. Like most of us, she was not famous. If you
didn't know her you probably didn't know of her. She lived in the relatively
small community of Savannah, Georgia.

Yet she did some amazing things there - she was the first ordained woman
Deacon in Georgia, she founded a soup kitchen, and she helped create the
Savannah Homeless Authority. In addition to raising three children and, some
would say, a husband.

One of the problems we faced after her death was finding a church big enough
to hold the people who wanted to attend her funeral. We picked the largest
one we could find, with seating for 600, and still many had to stand in the
back and along the aisles.

Susan had a particular quality that drew people in. It wasn't her
accomplishments. It wasn't money. She had no access to famous or important
people. She couldn't hire you; she wasn't a stepping stone.

Susan was, quite simply, a really good friend.

Which is an art. To be a good friend, you have to give of yourself, but not
so much that you lose yourself. You need to know what you want and pursue
it, while helping others achieve what they want. You need to have
personality while making room for, and supporting, other people's
personalities. You need to care about, and even love, people you might
disagree with (I'm pretty sure she didn't vote for the same candidates as
her husband). You need to be willing to give at least as much, if not more,
than you take.

This is a pretty predictable recipe for happiness. Giving to others - a
reliable way of fostering friendships - makes us happier than taking things
for ourselves. According to research led by Dr. Elizabeth Dunn at the
University of British Columbia, money can buy happiness . . . as long as you
spend it on other people.

http://research.chicagobooth.edu/cdr/docs/spendingmoney-norton.pdf

Researchers conducted three studies. First, they surveyed more than 600
Americans and found that spending money on gifts and charities led to
greater happiness than spending money on oneself.

Then they looked at workers who had just received bonuses and found that
their happiness was not based on the size of their bonus but on the decision
they made about what to do with whatever amount of money they received.
Those who spent more of their bonus on others were happier than those who
spent the money on themselves.

Finally, the researchers simply gave money to a number of people,
instructing some to spend the money on themselves and others to spend the
money on others. At the end of the day, the ones who spent money on others
were happier.

So having friends and treating them generously is clearly a winning strategy
in life. But what about business?

If you watch even a single episode of any reality TV show based on a
competition - The Apprentice, Survivor, Top Chef, America's Next Top Model,
The Bachelor, The Amazing Race; it doesn't matter which - you'll hear a
single phrase come up more often than any other:

"I'm not here to make friends!"

If you want to see what I mean - and just for the fun of it - watch this
short YouTube video compilation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w536Alnon24
Apparently many of the contestants believe that in order to win you can't be
worried about how you affect others. As one contestant on The Apprentice so
eloquently said, "We're not here to make friends. It's nothing personal.
This is f**king business." Is that true? Are we better off being cutthroat
than collaborative?

Well, let's look at the data. If you're looking for a job you'd better have
friends. The number-one way people find new jobs is referrals by friends.

Once you're on the job, having a best friend at work is a strong predictor
of success. People might define "best" loosely (think of this as
kindergarten where you can have more than one "best" friend), but according
to a Gallup Organization study of more than 5 million workers over 35, 56%
of the people who say they have a best friend at work are engaged,
productive, and successful while only 8% of the ones who don't are.

And another remarkable study, spanning decades, revealed that friendships in
high school were a strong predictor of increased wages in adulthood - to the
tune of 2% per person who considered you a close friend. In other words, if
in high school three people listed you as one of their closest same-sex
friends, your earnings in adulthood would be 6% higher.

http://web.hbr.org/email/archive/dailystat.php?date=062510

Want to stay in that job you have? Then you'd better have friends. As a
friend of mine who runs sales for a successful technology company told me
recently, "People try hard not to fire their friends. It's the difference
between 'he's a good guy' and 'I don't know about that guy."

The happy truth is that the people who say they're not here to make friends
don't win. That's true for reality TV. It's true for business. And it's true
for life.

During Susan's last few days she was surrounded at all hours by her family
and friends. During those moments she managed to get some advice out. Among
her parting words? "Surround yourself with a loving community."

In other words, it's a pretty good bet that we really are here to make
friends.

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