How to help yourself - nine golden rules of therapy

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/may/28/relationships

How to help yourself

Ever wondered how clinical psychologist Linda Blair tries to solve the dilemmas on G2's problem page, Private Lives? As her weekly advice slot comes to an end, she reveals her nine golden rules of therapy

Linda Blair
  • The Guardian, Thursday 28 May 2009

    Over the past two-and-a-half years, the wide range of dilemmas you have sent to Private Lives, and the clarity with which you have articulated them, have taught me a great deal. In return, I thought it might be helpful if I explain how I go about trying to solve those dilemmas (which is also how I work in therapy). That way you will have something that might guide you, or at least get you started, when you deal with any psychological problems you may face in the future.

    What I'm not going to give you is a set of instructions presented in an unvarying order. We are all unique, and so are the problems we all face. So any "one size fits all" approach to therapy is unlikely to be effective. You can learn a lot from those who are familiar with problems similar to your own, it's true. But the best solutions for you will be the ones you fashion yourself. Do bear this in mind if you ever seek professional help. Wise therapists - those whose help is worthhaving - will seek only to help you find your own way.

    So what I will give you are some guidelines - nine of them, to be exact. They are the ones I use when I consider the psychological problems that are presented to me. I use some of these "filters" more often than others, but I rarely apply all of them to any one dilemma. The first and final guidelines are, I believe, applicable to everyone, but it will be up to each of you to decide which of the others seem most useful in your particular circumstances.

    Trust yourself

    You know yourself better than anyone else ever can. It's true, of course, that others will know more about the treatments or techniques you might choose to help you sort out your dilemmas. But no one knows more about you than you do.

    Break your problem down into smaller parts

    Many people feel overwhelmed and discouraged by the apparent enormity of the difficulties they face. However, if you make a series of small changes, things will start to feel more manageable. Choose to do something that will make a positive difference - however small - in your life quickly, say within one week. To illustrate how well this works, I often remind my patients of Milo of Kroton, a Greek tale recounted to me by Mary Beard, professor of classics at the University of Cambridge. Milo was famed for his strength, and one of his achievements was that he was able to lift a full-grown bull. He built up his strength by lifting a baby calf every day until it was fully grown. You can solve just about any problem if you simply break it down into small enough steps.

    Clarify your aims

    It's difficult to remain motivated to do the hard work involved in making life changes - in fact, I've found it to be impossible - unless you have a clear picture of how you want your life to be when that problem is sorted out. That's why I always ask my patients early on in therapy how they imagine their life will be when they no longer have the problem they've come to see me about. If they have little or no idea how to answer that question, they're not yet ready for the hard work that lies ahead.

    Consider the role you yourself are playing in maintaining your problem

    This is extremely difficult, and to do it you must be very honest with yourself. Try to step back from the situation and ask yourself if there's any way you can behave differently to make things better.

    The power of this technique was brought home to me years ago, when an extremely experienced relationship therapist and I were working together with couples who were having severe difficulties. A young woman had come to see us on her own, and spent the entire session complaining bitterly about all manner of faults in her husband. My colleague asked her why he hadn't come along with her, and she replied that it was because "he'd never do such a thing". My colleague's response surprised me: "And why won't you let him?" he asked. This simple but powerful suggestion allowed the unhappy woman to realise that she was inadvertently encouraging her husband to maintain his negativity.

    Seek out role models to inspire you

    The most powerful role models in our lives will almost always be our parents or main carers. This is because we depended on them for our very existence when we were young, so we observed carefully and valued hugely everything they did. However, for reasons I don't fully understand, later in life we tend either to behave just as they did, or reject their approach totally. It takes time and effort to examine your attitudes and behaviours in order to adapt what you saw as a child - that is, to make it appropriate to your life as an adult - and few people manage to do this.

    Furthermore, even if you do, it's unlikely that your parents would have shown you how to deal with every situation you will encounter, so it's wise to look out for other good role models to inspire you. Therefore, when you're feeling stuck, try to think of someone who's faced a similar situation and handled it well. What can you learn from that example? Don't limit yourself only to people who are "real" or present. Some of my best solutions have been inspired by characters in great novels or individuals who lived long ago.

    Build on the positive rather than only trying to eradicate the negative

    When you get rid of a problem or a bad habit, you will be left with free time. If you have not thought about how to fill that time productively, the chances are high that your difficulties will recur. Therefore, when you're formulating a plan to deal with what's troubling you, make sure that at the same time you choose and build up some positive behaviours and new constructive activities. That way you will be busy in fulfilling ways, so the old habits and attitudes will be less likely to regain a foothold.

    Learn to forgive

    You can't go back in time and change the past, so feelings of regret and guilt are, in my opinion, a waste of energy. Most people handle situations in the only way they know how, or as best they can at the time, so blaming them makes little sense. Instead, use your precious energy to deal with the present.

    Don't expect to find only one answer

    Too often, we look for one overarching solution to solve a dilemma. But that will almost never be effective. Far more often, there will be a number of things that you will need to do to sort things out.

    Be prepared for change and expect to encounter problems throughout your life

    When you're faced with a problem, do not despair. Whenever you encounter resistance, it's merely proof that you're alive and active, and it probably means your life is an interesting one. Only inanimate objects and the dead remain the same and never face problems. Whatever you try to do to solve your problems will teach you something, whether or not you succeed.

    • This article is adapted from Linda's book Straight Talking. Her next book, The Happy Child: Everything You Need to Know to Raise Enthusiastic, Confident Children, is published in August by Piatkus books

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    Saying Grace Around the World

    Saying Grace Around the World

    http://www.yesmagazine.org/article.asp?id=3296

    That pause before the meal inspires us across cultures.

    Artist Nikki McClure adds her touch to our collection of mealtime prayers from around the world.


    Nikki McClure of Olympia, Washington is known for her painstakingly intricate and beautiful papercuts. Armed with an X-acto knife, she cuts out her images from a single sheet of paper and creates a bold language that translates the complex poetry of motherhood, nature, and activism into a simple and endearing picture.

    VISIT HER WEBSITE: www.nikkimcclure.com


    BuyNow buttonPurchase poster of
    A World of Grace.
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    of A World of Grace.

    Nikki McClure illustration

    Illustration by Nikki McClure.

    LATIN AMERICAN

    To those who have hunger
    Give bread.
    And to those who have bread
    Give the hunger for justice.

     


    BUDDHIST

    This food is the gift
    of the whole universe.
    Each morsel is a sacrifice of life,
    May I be worthy to receive it.
    May the energy in this food
    Give me the strength
    To transform my unwholesome qualities
    Into wholesome ones.
    I am grateful for this food.
    May I realize the Path of Awakening,
    For the sake of all beings.

     


    MUSLIM

    All praises are due to Allah who gave us sufficient food to eat and who satiated our thirst while such food is needed by us all the time and while we are not ungrateful to Allah.

     


    ASHANTI, GHANA

    Earth, when I am about to die
    I lean upon you.
    Earth, while I am alive
    I depend upon you.

     


    SELKIRK GRACE, SCOTTISH

    Some hae meat and canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it.
    But we hae meat, and we can eat,
    Sae let the Lord be thankit.

     


    CHRISTIAN CHILDREN'S PRAYER

    Thank you God for the world so sweet,
    Thank you God for the food we eat.
    Thank you God for the birds that sing,
    Thank you God for everything.

     


    APOSTOLIC, ARMENIA

    The eyes of all wait upon Thee, O Lord,
    And Thou givest them their food in due season.
    Thou openest Thy hand and fillest all things
    Living with plenteousness.

     


    HINDU, INDIA

    Before grasping this grain,
    let us consider in our minds
    the reasons why
    we should care for and safeguard this body.
    This is my prayer, oh God:
    May I be forever devoted at your feet,
    offering body, mind, and wealth
    to the service of truth in the world.

     


    COPTIC, EGYPT

    Bless, O Lord, the plants, the vegetation,
    and the herbs of the field,
    that they may grow
    and increase to fullness
    and bear much fruit.
    And may the fruit of the land
    remind us of the spiritual fruit
    we should bear.

     


    MOTHER TERESA, CATHOLIC, CALCUTTA

    Make us worthy, Lord,
    To serve those people
    Throughout the world who live and die
    In poverty and hunger.
    Give them, through our hands
    This day their daily bread,
    And by our understanding love,
    Give peace and joy.

     


    SIOUX, NATIVE AMERICAN

    I'm an Indian.
    I think about the common things like this pot.
    The bubbling water comes from the rain cloud.
    It represents the sky.
    The fire comes from the sun,
    Which warms us all, men, animals, trees.
    The meat stands for the four-legged creatures,
    Our animal brothers,
    Who gave themselves so that we should live.
    The steam is living breath.
    It was water, now it goes up to the sky,
    Becomes a cloud again.
    These things are sacred.
    Looking at that pot full of good soup,
    I am thinking how, in this simple manner,
    The Great Spirit takes care of me.


     

    JEWISH

    Praised are You, our God, Ruler of the universe, who in goodness, with grace, kindness, and mercy, feeds the entire world. He provides bread for all creatures, for His kindness is never-ending. And because of His magnificent greatness we have never wanted for food, nor will we ever want for food, to the end of time.

    For His great name, because He is God who feeds and provides for all, and who does good to all by preparing food for all of His creatures whom He created: Praised are You, God, who feeds all.

     


    Sources:

    http://www.grailworld.com/images/pintro.jpg

    VARIOUS ::
    Compilation of graces by Azuka Nwigwe, Grail World Magazine
    www.grailworld.com/GraceIndex.htm

    SAYING GRACE
    Mealtime Prayers Around The World

    Azuka Nwigwe

    Whether you're a Hindu, Muslim, Jew or Christian, Armenian, Scottish, African or Native American… if you believe there is a higher power in Creation that made life on this earth possible, then it's likely you have at some point in your life said or thought words of gratitude before a meal. "Grace" is the name for any prayer said before or after a meal, giving thanks to whatever higher power you believe in for the meal you are either about to eat or have just enjoyed. Reciting a prayer, either precomposed or improvised on the spot, is normally referred to as 'saying grace' and is a practice recognized the world over. Saying grace brings people together in the sharing of the gift of food, can lead to better dietary habits, and helps us realize the sacrifice of other living beings, plants and animals to sustain our lives. Many households observe the tradition of stopping before a meal to reflect and give thanks for the food and other good things in our lives and on our tables. One can be creative with a mealtime grace, but some religions have specific guidelines for mealtime prayers.

    It is important to bear in mind that the Western world generally uses the word "grace" to mean any mealtime prayer. However, the word in this context is specifically Christian: Jews, for instance, would not call their mealtime prayer "grace," nor would Muslims. However, each religion considers the food put in front of us as a Grace from God, and it is in this context that we use the word.

    In Christianity, grace is the loving generosity of God. It is the free, or unmerited favor or beneficence of God and a state of sanctification by God. For the followers of Krishna, the ancient spiritual classic, the Bhagavad-Gita stresses the importance of remembering where our food came from before we enjoy. Food partaken with thanks to God becomes "Prasad" (a consecrated offering), and aying grace cleanses the food of three impurities: lack of cleanliness of the vessel, of the foodstuff and of the preparation process. In the Muslim faith, a verse from the Koran, instructs Mohammed's faithful on the sacred origins of food and the requirement for food prayers: "Eat of your Lord's provision, and give thanks to Him." Muslims say a prayer at the end of the meal, as well as at the beginning.

    Buddhism's history is rich with reverence for food and thankfulness for its nourishment. Buddhists have used prayers of blessing and offering in everything from the cultivation of crops to the dedication of each plate of food to the betterment of humanity. Food can be truly blessed only when the one giving thanks has lived a life of service to both the universe that has given the food and those who suffer and are without food. And in the Hebrew Scriptures, grace is loving kindness. The duty of saying grace after the meal is derived from Deut. viii. 10: "And thou shalt eat and be sated and shalt bless the Lord thy God for the goodly land which he has given thee."

    For some, like Native Americans, saying grace is a way to acknowledge one's place in creation. For others, like 20th century author Abd-ru-shin, saying grace is an opportunity not just to recite words of thanks mindlessly, but to experience them inwardly so their full meaning comes to life for you.

    Click one of the links below to view various mealtime graces from throughout the world.

     Christian | Jewish | Buddhist | Hindu | Krishna | Muslim | The Girl Guide | Scottish | Native American | Armenian | Latin American | Robert Burns | Abd-ru-shin


    ASHANTI, COPTIC, MOTHER TERESA ::

    From the book "Bless This Food." Copyright © 1993, 2007 by Adrian Butash. Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com


    HINDU ::

    Translated by Linda Hess at Stanford University

    Illustration by Nikki McClure. Research by Anna Stern

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    There's no need to fear! Underdog is here!

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    goes Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

    speed of lightning, roar of thunder
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    Riding lessons for life #8


    Rhythm:

    I recently had the honor of training with 2008 and 2004 Olympic Show Jumping Gold Medalist Beezie Madden of Cazenovia, NY.  While I warmed up my horse at the walk, trot, and canter before jumping she stressed the importance of “regulating the rhythm” of the horse.  It was up to me to set the rhythm and to keep it where I wanted it.  Only I could maintain it, speed it up, or slow it down.  This same concept carried over into our jumping work as well.  Of course, the better at regulating the rhythm that I was at the walk, trot, and canter, the easier it was to do over a course of fences.

    On the drive home I reviewed the ride in my mind.  I kept repeating the phrase “regulating the rhythm” over and over until I realized how important that was in life out of the saddle too! 

    In our lives, we have complete control over the rhythm.  We can choose to keep things steady in our life, speed things up or slow them down.  Being able to do this is an important skill.

    It’s a great feeling to sit back and look at your life in the present moment and think “Wow, I am so grateful for how things are right now.”  Our rhythm is good- nice and steady, not too fast nor too slow.

    But the nature of the universe is to sometimes throw a lot at us at once and that’s when we think “I need to slow things down!”  That’s our signal that we need regulate our rhythm or be in danger of feeling overwhelmed and burned out. 

    In order to slow your life’s rhythm, take time out to mediate, breathe, smile, rest and make a conscious effort to clear your schedule and take time out for your own self and those you love.

    It is also the nature of things to be dull sometimes.  This is also a signal to get things moving and spur your rhythm into a faster pace! Go for a bike ride, plant a garden, join a book club, take a dance class - spice things up, get out and connect, laugh and think outside the box! Try something new, different, and outside your comfort zone in order to stretch yourself to a new level.

    As I said previously, it is the nature of life to sometimes throw a lot at us and at other times have things be a bit slow. 

    Each of these situations is a gift.  Each one gives an opportunity to do great, positive activities. 

    Regulating the rhythm of our own lives is completely within our own control.  We can choose when to keep things steady, when to spice things up, and when to slow it all down and take a deep breath of life.

    Enjoy the rhythm of your life today!

    Claire Affleck
    Claire Affleck Training website

    Healing or Stealing?

    Commencement Address by Paul Hawken to the Class of 2009, University of Portland, May 3, 2009

    http://globalmindshift.wordpress.com/2009/05/21/the-unforgettable-commencement-address-by-paul-hawken-to-the-class-of-2009-university-of-portland-may-3-2009/

    When I was invited to give this speech, I was asked if I could give a simple short talk that was “direct, naked, taut, honest, passionate, lean, shivering, startling, and graceful.” Boy, no pressure there.

    But let’s begin with the startling part. Hey, Class of 2009: you are going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation… but not one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute that statement. Basically, the earth needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.

    “…the earth needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.”

    This planet came with a set of operating instructions, but we seem to have misplaced them. Important rules like don’t poison the water, soil, or air, and don’t let the earth get overcrowded, and don’t touch the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really good food, but all that is changing.

    There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn’t bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING. The earth couldn’t afford to send any recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here’s the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don’t be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done.

    When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is happening on earth and aren’t pessimistic, you don’t understand data. But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and the lives of the poor, and you aren’t optimistic, you haven’t got a pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote, “So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.” There could be no better description. Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses, companies, refuge camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums.

    “YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING.”

    You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups and organizations are working on the most salient issues of our day: climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger, conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the world has ever seen. Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea, not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants, businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers, weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders, grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way.

    There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true. Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. “One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,” is Mary Oliver’s description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world.

    Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance except on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely unknown Granville Clark, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood and their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive England into poverty. But for the first time in history a group of people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit.. And today tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, and non-governmental organizations, of companies who place social and environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope and scale of this effort is unparalleled in history.

    “Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.”

    The living world is not “out there” somewhere, but in your heart. What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets. Think about this: we are the only species on this planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time than to renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can’t print life to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.

    The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells. In each of you are one quadrillion cells, 90 percent of which are not human cells. Your body is a community, and without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the universe, exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science would discover that each living creature was a “little universe, formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute and as numerous as the stars of heaven.”

    “We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells.”

    So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. Second question: who is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. What I want you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a deep innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the past. Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television.

    This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened, not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring creation. You are graduating to the most amazing, challenging, stupefying challenge ever bequested to any generation. The generations before you failed. They didn’t stay up all night. They got distracted and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn’t ask for a better boss. The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic, not the dreamer. Hopefulness only makes sense when it doesn’t make sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your life depends on it.

    Paul Hawken is a renowned entrepreneur, visionary environmental activist, and author of many books, most recently "Blessed Unrest: How the Largest Movement in the World Came into Being and Why No One Saw It Coming".

    He was presented with an honorary doctorate of humane letters by University president Father Bill Beauchamp, C.S.C., in May, when he delivered this superb speech. www.paulhawken.com

    http://www.paulhawken.com/paulhawken_frameset.html

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    Free - The Complete Shakespeare Reader

    Shakespeare

     

     

    http://download.cnet.com/The-Complete-Shakespeare-Reader/3000-18495_4-10908984.html

     

    The Free Electronic Shakespeare Reader is a downloadable piece of software that you can install on any Windows computer, and instantly have all of Shakespeare's 38 plays at your fingertips.

    No internet connection required; read plays at your leisure on any computer.

    An excellent study resource for any English Literature student.

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    Hugs

    For Teenagers, Hello Means ‘How About a Hug?’

    To hug or not to hug is never in question for Ashley Rocha and friends at Pascack Hills High.


    Katie Dea and Henry Begler, both 14, at the Claire Lilienthal School in San Francisco, prefer a friendly hug to a high-five greeting.

    The New York Times



    May 28, 2009

    For Teenagers, Hello Means ‘How About a Hug?’

    There is so much hugging at Pascack Hills High School in Montvale, N.J., that students have broken down the hugs by type:

    There is the basic friend hug, probably the most popular, and the bear hug, of course. But now there is also the bear claw, when a boy embraces a girl awkwardly with his elbows poking out.

    There is the hug that starts with a high-five, then moves into a fist bump, followed by a slap on the back and an embrace.

    There’s the shake and lean; the hug from behind; and, the newest addition, the triple — any combination of three girls and boys hugging at once.

    “We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug,” said Danny Schneider, a junior at the school, where hallway hugging began shortly after 7 a.m. on a recent morning as students arrived. “The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.”

    There are romantic hugs, too, but that is not what these teenagers are talking about.

    Girls embracing girls, girls embracing boys, boys embracing each other — the hug has become the favorite social greeting when teenagers meet or part these days. Teachers joke about “one hour” and “six hour” hugs, saying that students hug one another all day as if they were separated for the entire summer.

    A measure of how rapidly the ritual is spreading is that some students complain of peer pressure to hug to fit in. And schools from Hillsdale, N.J., to Bend, Ore., wary in a litigious era about sexual harassment or improper touching — or citing hallway clogging and late arrivals to class — have banned hugging or imposed a three-second rule.

    Parents, who grew up in a generation more likely to use the handshake, the low-five or the high-five, are often baffled by the close physical contact. “It’s a wordless custom, from what I’ve observed,” wrote Beth J. Harpaz, the mother of two boys, 11 and 16, and a parenting columnist for The Associated Press, in a new book, “13 Is the New 18.”

    “And there doesn’t seem to be any other overt way in which they acknowledge knowing each other,” she continued, describing the scene at her older son’s school in Manhattan. “No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug. Witnessing this interaction always makes me feel like I am a tourist in a country where I do not know the customs and cannot speak the language.”

    For teenagers, though, hugging is hip. And not hugging?

    “If somebody were to not hug someone, to never hug anybody, people might be just a little wary of them and think they are weird or peculiar,” said Gabrielle Brown, a freshman at Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School in Manhattan.

    Comforting as the hug may be, principals across the country have clamped down. “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory,” said Noreen Hajinlian, the principal of George G. White School, a junior high school in Hillsdale, N.J., who banned hugging two years ago. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”

    Schools that have limited hugging invoked longstanding rules against public displays of affection, meant to maintain an atmosphere of academic seriousness and prevent unwanted touching, or even groping.

    But pro-hugging students say it is not a romantic or sexual gesture, simply the “hello” of their generation. “We like to get cozy,” said Katie Dea, an eighth grader at Claire Lilienthal Alternative School in San Francisco. “The high-five is, like, boring.”

    Some sociologists said that teenagers who grew up in an era of organized play dates and close parental supervision are more cooperative with one another than previous generations — less cynical and individualistic and more loyal to the group.

    But Amy L. Best, a sociologist at George Mason University, said the teenage embrace is more a reflection of the overall evolution of the American greeting, which has become less formal since the 1970s. “Without question, the boundaries of touch have changed in American culture,” she said. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”

    Hugging appears to be a grass-roots phenomenon and not an imitation of a character or custom on TV or in movies. The prevalence of boys’ nonromantic hugging (especially of other boys) is most striking to adults. Experts say that over the last generation, boys have become more comfortable expressing emotion, as embodied by the MTV show “Bromance,” which is now a widely used term for affection between straight male friends.

    But some sociologists pointed out that African-American boys and men have been hugging as part of their greeting for decades, using the word “dap” to describe a ritual involving handshakes, slaps on the shoulders and, more recently, a hug, also sometimes called the gangsta hug among urban youth.

    “It’s something you grow up doing,” said Mazi Chiles, a junior at South Gwinnett High School in Snellville, Ga., who is black. “But you don’t come up to a dude and hug, you start out with a handshake.”

    Some parents find it paradoxical that a generation so steeped in hands-off virtual communication would be so eager to hug.

    “Maybe it’s because all these kids do is text and go on Facebook so they don’t even have human contact anymore,” said Dona Eichner, the mother of freshman and junior girls at the high school in Montvale.

    She added: “I hug people I’m close to. But now you’re hugging people you don’t even know. Hugging used to mean something.”

    There are, too, some young critics of hugging.

    Amy Heaton, a freshman at Bethesda-Chevy Chase High School in Bethesda, Md., said casual social hugging seemed disingenuous to her. “Hugging is more common in my opinion in people who act like friends,” she said. “It’s like air-kissing. It’s really superficial.”

    But Carrie Osbourne, a sixth-grade teacher at Claire Lilienthal Alternative School, said hugging was a powerful and positive sign that children are inclined to nurture one another, breaking down barriers. “And it gets to that core that every person wants to feel cared for, regardless of your age or how cool you are or how cool you think you are,” she said.

    As much as hugging is a physical gesture, it has migrated online as well. Facebook applications allowing friends to send hugs have tens of thousands of fans. Katie Dea, the San Francisco eighth grader, as well as Olivia Brown, 11, who lives in Manhattan and is the younger sister of Gabrielle, the LaGuardia High freshman, have a new sign-off for their text and e-mail messages: *hug.*

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    TODAY producer embraces the hug revolution

    Posted: Tuesday, April 07, 2009 12:14 PM by Vidya Rao
    Vidya Rao -->

    From TODAY producer Amy Unell

    http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/04/07/1884225.aspx

    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/30089724#30089724

    While I was filming this hugging story at Mikey's Hug Deli in Santa Monica Beach, a little girl about 5 or 6 years old with a slight British accent walked up to me and placed her order with a smile, "I'd like a warm and fuzzy hug, please." I replied that it cost two compliments. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "I like your bracelet, and you have a nice smile."

    We hugged it out, and then she grabbed her mom's hand and started to walk away. But suddenly, she turned around. "I'd like to give you another compliment please," she said confidently. "I like you."

    A little girl who I'd known for a mere 30 seconds with a heart of gold -- now that's the power of the Hug Deli.

    If you're hungry for a hug, check out Mikey's Hug Deli in Santa Monica. E-mail hugdeli@gmail.com for hours of operation.

    Have you hugged any strangers lately? Tell us your take on the power of a hug.

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    Start-up built on free software

    Start-up built on free software

    So-called open source platforms keep costs down

    http://www.boston.com/business/technology/articles/2009/05/26/start_up_built_on_free_software/

    Employees Linea Rowe, Barry Jaspan, and Douglas Hubler at Acquia in Andover.

    Employees Linea Rowe, Barry Jaspan, and Douglas Hubler at Acquia in Andover. (Aram Boghosian for The Boston Globe)
    By D.C. Denison

    Globe Staff / May 26, 2009

    When cofounder Jay Batson was putting together his start-up Acquia last year, he figured one advantage would help it stand out from all the other companies that manage Web content for business clients.

    The software was free.

    "Free is very disruptive," Batson said. "In a fragmented market, 'free' commands a lot of attention."

    Batson's Andover company sells products, services, and technical support for Drupal, an open source software platform originally authored by company cofounder Dries Buytaert. Open source means it's built and maintained by a worldwide army of volunteer programmers, and unlike the pricey products offered by traditional software companies, is available for anybody to use at no cost. With Drupal, Acquia would be able to price its services without having to charge customers for any hefty software license fees.

    It's a strategy that is gaining currency in a tight economy.

    "Cost is definitely driving a lot of interest in open source," said Stephen Powers, an analyst with Forrester Research in Cambridge. "It's a question I'm hearing all the time: Can we do this cheaper with open source?"

    In a September 2008 survey conducted by Forrester Research, 56 percent of companies that use open source software named cost as the primary motivation. A survey by Framingham market intelligence firm IDC found that 10 to 24 percent of the software purchases made in 2008 by the companies it questioned went to open source, up from less than 10 percent in 2007.

    Open source programs, which started to gain currency around the dot-com boom in the late 1990s, initially had difficulty attracting mainstream users because volunteer-maintained software was thought to be less reliable and less secure than products from blue chip technology providers like IBM and Microsoft. But over the past 10 years, as such open source programs as Apache, Linux, and MySql have been integrated into mainstream corporate technology settings, acceptance has steadily increased.

    And now that the recession has focused attention on trimming costs, analysts like Forrester's Jeffrey S. Hammond are predicting a "second wave of open source software adoption."

    "For open source software in general, it seems the bad economy is definitely good," said analyst Jay Lyman of the international technology consulting firm The 451 Group.

    "Ironically, open source software has gone from something that was unknown and unfamiliar to something that is not only accepted, but is associated with cost savings."

    Acquia is following a path blazed by companies such as enterprise software producer Novell Inc. in Waltham and Red Hat Inc. in Raleigh, N.C. Both companies are built on the Linux operating system, perhaps the best-known open source platform. Red Hat has grown to have 2,500 employees, 58 offices in 28 countries, and customers like the New York Stock Exchange and the Travel Channel. Information technology firm Novell serves clients including BMW, Wal-Mart, and Office Depot.

    Launched in 2001 by Buytaert when he was a graduate student in Belgium, Drupal has attracted a large, fast-growing global community of thousands of developers and users. Like many open source projects, it has gained features as it has evolved, and powers high-profile websites for Sony Music, NASA, humor publisher The Onion, and the magazine Fast Company. The Obama administration's Recovery.org was built using Drupal.

    This is not the first open source software-based company for Batson. He previously founded the telecom firm Pingtel in Woburn, basing it on an open source platform called SIP, and sold it in 2007.

    In March, 2007, Batson took an exploratory trip to a DrupalCon conference hosted by Yahoo at its Sunnyvale, Calif., campus.

    "I was stunned by the passion of these people," he said. "This was not just software, this was a movement."

    Buytaert was approaching the end of his graduate studies and interested in making Drupal "the Linux of the Web." He and Batson raised $7 million in seed capital from North Bridge Venture Partners in Waltham, Sigma Partners in Boston, and O'Reilly AlphaTech Ventures in San Francisco, and set up headquarters in a bland office park in Andover in January 2008. Now, 13 of Acquia's 35 employees work from far-flung locations; Budapest, New Delhi, Siberia, and Cologne, Germany. Buytaert still works from his home in Antwerp, Belgium.

    Since the company's official launch in March 2008, the team has been working to make the casual, volunteer nature of Drupal palatable to more buttoned-down business customers, without losing the support of thousands less-corporate Drupal enthusiasts. According to CEO Thomas Erickson, scalability and security are the two biggest deliverables Acquia has to focus on now, but the agenda also includes making it easier to set up an Acquia site, as well as hundreds of enhancements, minor tweaks, and bug fixes.

    The sheer number of tasks was apparent on a recent morning, as a cluster of engineers gathered for the daily "developers scrum." As they stood in a small conference room, surrounded by whiteboard walls and plate glass, the half-dozen staffers efficiently sorted tasks into categories like in progress, assigned, and done.

    The sheer volume of problems, fixes, and enhancements on their list looked daunting, but Acquia is clearly hoping that the open source community of programmers will help.

    "Because the Drupal community is so big, and so involved, we don't have to solve all those issues ourselves," said Douglas Hubler, the self-described scrum master who ran the session, after the meeting. "It gives us velocity," he added, "because in many cases, the information is out there, available. That's a big help."

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    Life Advice

    Madeleine Blais

    What to tell my journalism grads

    By Madeleine Blais

    May 25, 2009

     

    http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2009/05/25/what_to_tell_my_journalism_grads/

    IT'S ALWAYS HARD to see my students in the journalism program at UMass-Amherst scatter at graduation, but this year is even worse. The uncertainty in the economy has the class of 2009 trembling.

    "Should I apply to be an assistant manager at Wendy's?" asks a student whose dream it was to work for a small-town paper, her voice shrill with disappointment.

    This spring, I was tempted to give an un-graduation speech and to suggest that the newly minted grads lower their expectations, that they rein in their rambunctious natures, and recognize a painful truth:

    Even in the best of times, your 20s can be rough.

    You're going to run up against bosses who have it in for you. The fault lines in your family will become clear in a way they may not have been earlier in your life. Friendships you thought would last forever get redefined and sometimes erode altogether. Your very youthfulness will inspire as much envy as it does admiration.

    And these are not the best of times.

    And then I thought twice. Young people setting forth in the tradition of James Joyce to forge in the smithy of their souls the uncreated consciousness of their race need pipe dreams, not lectures, now as much as ever.

    When classes ended a few weeks ago, I looked out on the last day, traditionally reserved for pizza and a reading list, and I saw myself at that age: juiced with energy, low on wisdom, and champing at the bit to find my place in the world.

    So instead of haranguing them with cynical musings and stuffy admonitions, I softened my pitch, and I passed along advice from a friend and fellow writer who possesses a kind of sententious, La Rochefoucauld mindset. Ann Banks is always spouting truisms, such as "black goes with black," "never eat anything you don't find delicious, especially on a diet," and my all-time favorite:

    "The key to finding a parking spot is to drive to exactly where you want to be and only then to start looking for a place to park. Your passengers will probably try to undermine your confidence in this plan by urging you to take the first place you come across - claiming that 'we aren't going to do better than that.' Ignore them. You need to demonstrate to the Parking Gods that you expect to be lucky. In parking, as in life, start by going after exactly what you want. Because you never know."

    The students arrive on campus as supplicants. They often begin their academic careers in a fog, writing sentences such as "drugs ran ramped in his neighborhood" or "even on death row, Perry Smith was wanton to improve himself," but by the time they leave, some have produced 100-page honors theses with titles like "Celebration Riots at UMass" about the collision of sports, alcohol, and high spirits after big games, and "A Longitudinal Study of the Effects of the Guest Editor Program at Mademoiselle on the Careers of Women who Participated in the 1960s," and "Nationalism in the Japanese Press."

    By the end of their senior year, these young people, if we older ones have done our job right, have accomplished what once seemed impossible: they have been transformed into peers, into colleagues.

    With luck, they stay in touch. They e-mail with their book ideas, they send the article they wrote for Sports Northwest about a Major League baseball player named Allie Moulton who crossed the color barrier when no one else did, and they ask your advice over an emergency cup of tea whether to continue with Teach for America in Bridgeport, Conn. (That was easy: yes.)

    My revised speech:

    Despite the realities facing you, I urge you to believe in the Parking Gods. Even if you have to live at home and work at Planet Fitness to create cash flow, you can volunteer to do a newsletter for an organization you admire, coach in a sport you might want to write about, create programs or videos for a charity event you support - something, anything, to stay in the game.

    Why?

    Because you really do never know.

    Madeleine Blais, a guest columnist, is a professor at UMass-Amherst and author of "Uphill Walkers," a family memoir.

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